Worms: Satan's Minions

Petrichor is the Greek word given to the smell of the dry earth after the rain. Being the microbiologist geek that I am, the scientific explanation has to be included because this phenomenon is the by-product of microbes. Streptomyces (commonly soil dwelling microbes) produce spores during overly dry periods. The longer the soil goes without rain, the more spores that are usually present. The smell isn’t actually caused by the spores themselves, rather a chemical secreted during the production of the spores known as “geosmin.” Nothing can compare to that fresh, crisp smell of geosmin and the faint sound of residual precipitation falling from the leaves. The sensation is peaceful as many rational people would say. But really, petrichor might as well be the name of a Satanist ritual, calling upon all the parasites of Lucifer to squirm from their saturated abodes onto the mortal land.

Yes. I am talking about the largest members of the Oligochaeta class, the one animal (if even that) on planet earth that does not make any scientific sense, worms. As a young child, I was never a fan of worms. All of my naïve playmates would simply pick up these moving tubes of mush and examine them closely. I, on the other hand, was completely horrified. I remember back to one significant instance, about eight years ago, when my father and I were exorcising these demons to the hungry mouths of lake fish. It was up north in Minocqua Wisconsin on a clear summer day when my father presented me with a thin fishing pole and a white round container. He took me to the edge of a peer and sat me down on an unsecured, weathered wooden bench. I set the white container down next to me, having little idea the contents. The lid was removed and I watched the worms slip and slide all over each other until my father pinched his meaty fingers around a worm. My father laid the creepy-crawly out next to me on the wooden bench and reached for his pocket knife. The worm, so pink and plump, wiggled around under the grasp of my father’s fingers. In one swift motion, the blade severed the worm clean in half. The contents of the worm began absorbing into the wooden bench as the little sucker continued to struggle. My father grabbed one of the moving pieces of the worm and skewered it onto the hook. At this point, I could have cared less about the task at hand. I was completely focused on that remaining portion of the worm twisting back and forth in agony. It irked me that it continued to move even after being separated from it’s other half, like some sort of immortal parasite. Logically, an animal would die after being split. But these worms defied the laws of nature; it scared me that something so small could cheat death. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to go near worms.

It didn’t even have to be in person for worms to scare me, movies that featured worms were just as horrifying. One of my favorite childhood movies “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (with the classic Gene Wilder, not some Johnny Depp faker) had a scene that made me cringe. Worms appeared in that movie for probably two seconds when Willy Wonka took Charlie and those other hooligans down the tunnel where “the danger must be growing”. Seriously, they’re in there next to the flashing images of cockroaches. As you can imagine, the movie “How To Eat Fried Worms” was an absolute nightmare. Seeing worms exist in nature was enough to make me puke, let alone watching someone eat them.

Okay Zoe, let’s be rational. Worms don’t even have the ability to harm you. They don’t bite or eject some poisonous fluid, they actually help fertilize the soil for plants to grow. This is all true, but they still don’t make any scientific sense. First off, these little guys can’t even be classified as guys because they’re hermaphrodites. Kids will pick up the seemingly silly ball of worms found on the soil and show their parents. Parents: THROW THAT BALL OF WORMS. Literally your child is holding a mangled mess of mating worms. Yeah, a worm orgy. All in your child's hands. Second, worms have the ability to respire through their skin because they don’t apparently need lungs. No matter how bad you want to, you can’t kill these demons because they can always regenerate lost segments of their body. Even more comforting, whenever you see a worm inching it’s way down a sidewalk, it’s actually digesting and secreting feces. Worms don’t even have eyes. The only productive things worms do are eat and defecate dirt, and become so lost after the rain that they crisp and fry on the hot pan of pavement.

Parasite, creepy-crawly, earthworm, oligochaeta, lob worm, night crawler, Satan's minions: these all describe the mutual heinous disposition of worms.